A.K.A. The bane of my existence, Jackasses, Potential meaningless death and destruction
Irk Factor: 5/5
Before we start here I’d like to apologize for the lack of recent Irks I made up for it with this special edition 5/5. So without further ado, WHAT THE FUCK!? I know I’m not the only person that has noticed the inane driving abilities of the Canadian population. If I were to take an unbiased guess at what percentage of the population can actually maintain their fucking composure behind the wheel, I’d say about 75%, and that’s being generous.
After a near-crash experience with one of the impaired 25-40%, I have been pushed over the edge into a road rage. In order to relieve myself, this rant must be heard. The seemingly blind, deaf, drunk and handicapped automotive menaces of the population are unable to be described as a whole, and thus they have been divided into categories to be further examined and scrutinized for their stupidity.
Driving Hazard #1: The Overly-Cautious Driver
This paranoid bastard can usually be seen causing traffic jams and near collisions in their Toyotas and Pontiacs. They commit most of their attempted murder by: stopping really early for a turn coming up in a kilometre, slamming the brakes when they’re practically in the intersection on a yellow light, and driving 10 under the speed limit. In snow or rain, this group IS traffic. They create it and mutate into a retarded road-block as more of them build up. It’s horrible. It’s almost as if every one of these drivers has experienced multiple auto-related near-death experiences and is carrying a mini-van full of newborn children. Get over it. Take a bus, pussy.
Driving Hazard #2: The Overzealous Maniac
This psychopath can frequently be seen tearing down a one-way street because it’s faster than the corner coming up in 500 metres. I’m not sure if it’s ignorance or just blatant stupidity that causes these drivers to treat their Honda civics, Mustangs and BMWs that way. I assume in winter, a lot of this group dies of in stupidity-related crashes. When they’re not playing need for speed, at the gym, the tanning lounge, or at the club hitting on your girlfriend, they can also be found almost killing people by turning right on a red light without checking to see if I’M ALREADY HALFWAY THROUGH THE INTERSECTION LAYING ON MY HORN AND FLIPPING YOU THE BIRD OUT MY WINDOW, YOU ARROGANT JERSEY SHORE FUCK! Can you guess which driver set me off on this rant?
Driving Hazard #3: The Clueless Fuck
Perhaps the most dangerous of the three groups of people that got their licences in a Christmas cracker is The Clueless Fuck. This senile old wasp category typically consists of...Well, senile old wasps. And foreigners (I’m not racist, it’s true. Don’t bullshit yourself.). What makes this group particularly dangerous is that THEY. HAVE. NO. FUCKING. CLUE! Seriously, they must not. They weave back and forth between the lanes in their Hondas and 19th century Cadillacs, and definitely don’t know where they’re going half the time. They usually drive the 1 km/h under the speed limit, as if to say “Fuck off, I’m stupid” to the rest of the world. They can also be seen cutting across 3 lanes of traffic without looking to make an exit they almost missed. In winter, they are pretty much white death on wheels. How the fuck do you still have your licence/life? Get on the bus with the paranoid bitch.
As you can tell, the roads in Canada are polluted by this plague. Now that I’ve made the divides between the three for you, you will start to realize which ones are which on the road. I think they must know they’re bad drivers after the thousandth time some pissed off citizen honks at them or flips them the bird. If you are a bad driver you should NOT BE DRIVING.
And that’s not just my opinion,
That’s a fact, Mother-fucker.
-Adam
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